i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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