I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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