theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
