Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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