The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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