ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
