...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
