Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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