i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
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