Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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