It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
