You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
