I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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