mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
