We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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