Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You are the jesus of drinking
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
