i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
