my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Randomize
