Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
