one might say we're banned from that church
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
