I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the liver wants what the liver wants
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize