2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
