my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
