I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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