this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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