if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
