Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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