New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize