I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
someone owes me an orgasm
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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