Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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