i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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