i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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