I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
