i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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