So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
