he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
