So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
