Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
