I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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