my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
