i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
