Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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