haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
