Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
