I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
