I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
false alarm, still single
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
