When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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