So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
