I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Farmville is her only friend.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
