I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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