He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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