Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
