you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I won the penis lottery.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
