just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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