oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
