i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
