i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize