these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
