The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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