they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
