As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
